I have a client that has had the sad experience that his partner, they were not married, moved out after 20+ years with their three kids. He is devastated. He is a caring and loving man, no doubt about that, but not very macho if you understand, sitting home crying and begging his “wife” to come back. I think she wants a man. So that strategy is the wrong one. However, that is not the topic of this post.
I want to talk about the differences between change and transition, what comes first? In this case it is both ways.
She has obviously gone through a transition that led her to take their children and move out. She obviously had reasons for that, and if my client had chosen to notice the signals, it would not have come as that big a surprise. So for her this transition led to a change; she moved out.
At this point these two people are at a crossroad. Been traveling two different routes, one knowing it while the other haven’t. This crossroad is change. But as she has ended this relationship mentally at an earlier stage, most probably gone through a controlled limbo phase, he is struck by the change as lightning from a clear blue sky. The ending comes suddenly, whether he wants it or not, and is thrown into a very rough limbo phase where is now. They have not been traveling together lately.
So a transition can precede a change, and a change can precede a transition. If the transition comes first, this has to lead to a change. But generally if the change comes first, it does not have to lead to a transition. But in our example, it will.
Divorces are very typical examples where change and transition/transition and change go hand in hand. They are forced on you.
Will she come back or is this definite. She obviously needed a break. So the question is can he straighten up and get his life together? That is his only chance, and I work on it. But he is very deep down.
Irrespective of her coming back or not, he has to let go. There will under anyway have to be a new beginning. To continue what has been is not an option. Part of the challenge is that he has been living his life through her, (heard it before?) so no wonder he fell down when the main pillar in his life was removed. But it makes the letting go all the more difficult. What we all can learn from this is that however much you love your spouse, you have to live your own life. Two parallel lives – with a lot of interaction, of course.
If you sail you will encounter rough seas every now and then. If you fly there will be occasional turbulence. A relationship is no exception. You need inner strength to handle it, then you most probably will be able to successfully navigate through it. If not, you’re doomed.
